From Emotional Caretaking to Healthy Caring: Finding Balance in Your Relationships
If you've read the first part of this post and recognised yourself in some of those patterns, you might be wondering where to go from here. The idea behind this post is to give you some ideas and starting points to explore these patterns further and experiment with new ways of relating and caring.
A little note before we start
It’s important to mention that there’s no quick fix when it comes to emotional caretaking. It’s a set of beliefs and behaviours that have developed over time, so it will also take some time to come back to yourself and develop new ways of being.
Some starting points
Notice what YOU need
If you’ve spent years prioritising others' needs, you may have lost touch with your own. So a small starting point is noticing what you want in everyday moments. What do you feel like having for dinner? Which movie do you want to watch? This might feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar or even selfish at first. What can help is remembering that on planes, adults are told to put their oxygen masks on first, and only then tend to their children. By prioritising your own needs, you not only take better care of yourself but also become better resourced to care for others.
Practise pausing before responding
Emotional caretakers often say yes automatically, out of habit or a wish to avoid disappointment. Before agreeing to something, see if you can create a small pause, even by taking a couple of breaths, before you respond. This gives you a moment to check in with yourself to see whether it’s really a ‘yes’ rather than reacting from an old pattern.
Start small with saying no
Saying no might feel daunting, particularly in your close, personal relationships. If that’s the case, you might want to start somewhere where the takes are lower or ask someone you trust and feel comfortable with if you can practise with them.
Get curious about your triggers
What are the situations that tend to activate your caretaking? When there’s conflict? If someone is withdrawing? When someone seems upset or disappointed?
As described in the previous post, these triggers typically have their roots in earlier experiences. Getting to know them, with curiosity and compassion, can also help remind us that we’re often no longer in the same situation as back then.
Ask for and accept help
This might be one of the hardest ones for an emotional caretaker. Not only are they usually the helpers, but they’ve often associated asking for help with being a burden or a sign of weakness. Allowing someone to take care of you is not only part of a mutual, caring relationship but also a gift for the other person who wants to be there to support you. You might be surprised to find how willing people are and how nice it can be to receive.
And if you recognise a long-standing pattern of putting others first at a high cost to yourself, such as affecting your sense of self or wellbeing, therapy can be a space where you explore this more deeply.
References
Article: When Relationships Are Based on Manipulation - Margalis Fjelstad for Psychology Today
Article: 15 Signs of Caretaking in Relationships by Rachael Pace for Marriage.com
Article: Why Do I Take Care of Everyone’s Emotional Needs Except My Own? by Beverly Amsel for GoodTherapy.org
Article: Emotional Caretaker: Release This Role to Reclaim Your Life by Bethany Webster