What is Emotional Caretaking?
Do you feel responsible for how others are feeling?
Do you find yourself putting other people's needs before your own?
Do you feel pulled to help others even when you’re not asked?
If any of this sounds familiar, then this post is for you.
What is emotional caretaking?
Originally, the word ‘caretaking’ referred to taking care of vulnerable people, such as the elderly or children. Usually, because they were not fully capable of taking care of themselves.
Emotional caretaking is something a little different: it's a pattern of consistently prioritising someone else’s needs and comfort, often at the cost of your own emotional wellbeing. And importantly, unlike a young child or sick grandparent who requires support, the person being taken care of is often very capable of managing their own emotions (or at least developing that capacity). However, if you are an emotional caretaker, you may feel a deep sense of responsibility for how the other person feels and go to great lengths to avoid conflict and make sure that they’re comfortable. You may also find that this makes you an attractive partner, and at times, you may be taken advantage of by others.
Some signs of emotional caretaking
There is no clear line between being a caring partner, friend, family member or colleague and being an emotional caretaker. I believe a healthy relationship involves both caring and taking, and while it doesn’t always have to be 50:50, there should be some balance, at least across time. In contrast, if you tend towards emotional caretaking, you may find yourself giving almost all the time, with very little (if any) taking.
Some patterns that are common in emotional caretaking:
Feeling responsible for others' (emotional) wellbeing
Willing to sacrifice your own wellbeing for others
People-pleasing
Over-complying with others' demands
Going out of your way to make sure others are okay
The need to feel needed
Being drawn to people who seem to need you
Working hard to avoid conflict and "keep the peace"
Fearing others’ strong emotional reactions, such as anger or disappointment
Obligation and guilt driving your choices and actions
Difficulty asserting your needs
On their own, many of these could describe a caring, considerate person. However, when taken together, they paint a picture of someone who has learned to live their life in function of others, often at a really high cost to themselves.
Where does this pattern come from?
You’re not born an emotional caretaker. Usually, it’s a pattern you learn in childhood when it feels important or even necessary to manage other people’s feelings. For example, as a child, these behaviours might have been the only way you could minimise conflict at home or feel close to family members. While these behaviours were helpful adaptations that allowed you to navigate the situations you experienced as a child, in adulthood, they can become limiting. One of the aims of therapy is to bring awareness to such patterns (without labelling or judging them) and explore new ways of relating.
What are the consequences of emotional caretaking?
Emotional caretaking can feel meaningful and rewarding, especially when it’s appreciated by the other person. However, when this pattern is one-sided and goes on for a long time, it can give rise to various challenges.
Resentment
When you routinely neglect your own needs in favour of another's, resentment tends to build, even when you love the other person and have, at least to an extent, chosen this role. As the sacrifices you make build up, often with little in return, you may become angrier and more resentful.
Burnout
Constantly tending to another's emotional needs while ignoring your own is exhausting and depleting. Also, you may avoid changing things for fear of upsetting the other person, which just keeps you stuck in this burnt-out state.
Feeling trapped in the relationship
There are many reasons you may feel trapped in your relationship, including guilt, loyalty and the fear of the other person’s reaction if you express wanting to change or end things. These can override your own needs and make it very difficult for you to prioritise yourself. Also, the relationships you find yourself in may be codependent, and in such cases, you may be getting something from the dynamic that makes it hard to make changes or leave, such as feeling needed.
Disempowering the other person
This one might be less obvious, but it’s important. By taking responsibility for someone else’s emotions, you might be unintentionally communicating to them that they are not able to do this for themselves. You also don’t give the other person an opportunity to develop their innate capacity to regulate their own emotions. Over time, this can leave the other person disempowered and dependent on you for their wellbeing.
In the next post, we’ll explore how you can start to change this pattern, moving from caretaking to caring in a more balanced way.
References
Article: When Relationships Are Based on Manipulation - Margalis Fjelstad for Psychology Today
Article: 15 Signs of Caretaking in Relationships by Rachael Pace for Marriage.com
Article: Why Do I Take Care of Everyone’s Emotional Needs Except My Own? by Beverly Amsel for GoodTherapy.org
Article: Emotional Caretaker: Release This Role to Reclaim Your Life by Bethany Webster